FAQ

I have been just reading blogs as of late and have had little to add to the cyber-conversation. Recently, I have been blogging about movies and not really about the spiritual things. Here is an update:
I have completely stopped going to church. I haven't been to any church service in a month. I really don't feel bad about it. I sort of feel...hollow? numb? emotionless? I don't know the reason. My wife is going to a church less than a mile from home with my two boys. She is not giving me any grief about it, but my boys are asking why they have to go and I'm not going. I really don't have an answer for them other than telling them that I am struggling with spiritual issues. I wish that I could change. I wish I could do something. If I have learned anything through this journey its this: When you live your life with a certain purpose based wholly on what a religion tells you is right and wrong and one day your whole life is radically changed (I still don't know what brought the change of heart on) and you no longer subscribe to those "rights and wrongs" of religiosity, there isn't much foundation left to rebuild on. It really feels like the rug has been pulled out from underneath my feet and I still haven't landed. Where do I go from here? Which end is up? How do I get off of this crazy ride? I sometimes wish that I would wake up and this whole journey would have been a dream/nightmare. I wish I could go back to feeling all warm and fuzzy on Sunday morning, Sunday night, Wednesday night, and all the other nights that the doors at church were open. Why can't I be satisfied like everybody else and sit in a pew and sing some songs and contribute financially and shake hands and smile and pray out loud and listen to sermons? Why!?! I still don't know.
I guess there really isn't any way to unknow something even though you don't know what started the unknowing.
Still in the woods....

Fun Time

Check this out! I don't know what it is, but this makes me laugh the more I see it.

Break Time

I decided to take a break for a little while. I have been writing about motivation and decided to keep it light in this entry.
I have been watching a butt load of movies, mustly DVD's. I thought I would rate a few movies. I don't want to make a list from 1 to 10 are anything like that, just rate 'em likes I sees 'em.

I'll start with Babel starring Brad Pitt. This movie reminded me of Crash. There were four different story lines going on at the same time with all of them sharing a common thread. The order is not chronological but I was able to follow enough to keep up. I liked the movie because of its complexity. I would not buy the movie and probably will not watch it again, but a good way to burn up 2+ hours.


The Prestige is next up. I was really intrigued by this movie based on what Mike said at Gotthammer . It had the same feel as The Illustionist, same time period, etc. but is was a darker movie. This movie had a rich complexity also. It reminded me of a coil of wire tightly wound until the end and poof! it all comes together. This is a movie I will definitly watch again. One time is not enough I don't believe to catch all the subtleties. Excellent movie.

Castle in the Sky. What can be said about this animated movie about a floating castle and a quest by both nations and pirates to possess the power of the castle. A pretty good movie for both child and adult alike. It is pretty long for some small kids, but my 8 and 5 year olds were very captivated by it and watched from beginning to end. Good family flick.

Driving Miss Daisy. I have never seen this movie. I know I am a weird-o, but I never have. I was thinking about Morgan Freeman movies that I have never seen and this was one of the only ones. This was a feel good movie. A good movie though. The acting was great. The characters were excellent. I don't know if I will ever watch this movie again, but I will probably not forget it.

Bridges of Madison County. Here we go again, a movie that I probably should have watched long before this past week but just never have. The recommendation by Lyndon at WLS really pushed me to see it. I really liked it. Clint Eastwood in a romantic movie, odd but good. Meryl Streep played a very sensuous lady from Italy transported to Idaho through marriage to a vetern. The movie is very thought provoking. What is marital love? Dedication to a spouse both mentally and physically is difficult if you entertain certain notions. Good movie to help you answer those questions or at least start the process of discovery.

2001: A Space Odyssey. I watched bits and pieces of this through the years but have never sat down and watched stem to stern in one sitting. This movie is puzzling, at times gut-wrenchingly quite, bizarre, thought-provoking, and terrifying. I am not the sharpest tool in the shed, so it took some time and research on line to figure out what was going on. After a better understanding, it really is a movie ahead of its time. Certainly a good sci-fi, or should I say "sci-non"?

Running with Scissors. I listened to the audiobook some months back and found out later that they were making it into a movie. Augusten Burroughs is laugh out loud funny to me. He may not be that funny to everyone, but to me he really is. He did the book narration so I was able to hear his voice. Until you hear his voice, you really can't appreciate the fullness of his comedy. Running with Scissors the movie helped me to enjoy the characters better, but it was more supplemental to the book to me. The movie may be OK by itself, but I don't know.

The Departed. There is no doubt this movie won Best Movie at the Academy Awards. It has been my experience with all star casts (all star sports is the same) that there is too much ego to make the movie (sports) work. This is certainly an exception to the rule. This was a movie that was very complex, layered. There was some questions that didn't get answered till the end of the movie. I like movies like this. It keeps me interested till the end. If I can figure out the end in the first half hour, I lose interest quick. Well worth your time to watch this one. I will probably watch it again and appreciate the characters more.

I will continue later with more movies as I watch them.

Motivation cont.

I was watching Nell a couple of days ago. I saw that it was on and caught the movie at the very beginning so left it on and watched. A cool thing was said in the movie that went right along with my motivation journey. One of the doctors in the movie starts to talk about motives and ulterior motives. I really tuned in to see what he would say. He said that every body has motives. Good ones and bad ones. There are main motives and ulterior motives. He even said that Mother Teresa has motives and ulterior motives. He said her motive was to leave the world better than she found it. This got me to thinking. What are my motives and ulterior motives? Are they conscience decisions or are they based on things deep inside my psyche? Where do they begin and end? What causes me to put into action what it is that I do? Why am I writing this down? What do I hope to accomplish? I just can't put a finger on it.

Motivation...

I have been reading a book called Being Good. It is a ethics book in its simplest form(s). I started to realize that maybe motivation is lead out of an ethical drive which is based in and around my beliefs. But what happens when my beliefs change, which seem to happen more and more regularly. I don't have a core belief system I don't think. What DO I believe? Maybe knowing what I believe will help me understand what my motivations are. Maybe I'll never be able to pin down this idea, but I will keep trying. Something drives me, us. Are we in control of our motivations or do they control us. I want to find out what a pure motive is. Does it exist? I was thinking the other day that no matter what I did, the end result was self-serving. Is that all there is? Self-serving actions. Some will say that they do what they do because they love others. But DO they? Are they doing it to hope for a return? Some may say, and in fact I've said at one time, that I am doing what I do out of commitment, love, etc. of/for God, but isn't this also self-serving. I've heard pastors say that they are looking forward to the day when they stand before the Lord and He commends them with, Well done! Isn't that self-serving? Are there any truly non self-serving acts?
Still searching....

Motivation Part 2

As if in response to yesterday's post, I went to the library to kill some time and found a book by Mother Teresa called In The Heart of The World. I had to fight back several emotions. Tears mostly. I guess when you are faced with the character of Mother Teresa, there is little to smile about when you contemplate your character in comparison. Without a doubt, I would loved to have met this great women. I am pretty certain that she could help me understand motivation. I would definitely ask her what motivates her to be so loving, compassionate, just, pure, good. I know that she was not perfect in all things, but she was certainly closer than I have ever been or ever may be. I would encourage you to read this very short book if for nothing else but to be reminded about a great women of history of which few will ever equal. I will close for today with a quote from the chapter titled "On Sacrifice". She said, "Love, to be real, must cost--it must hurt--it must empty us of self." I guess that is as good a starting point as any when contemplating motivation. Thank you Mother Teresa.

Motivation Part One

I have been thinking a great deal about motivation for the past two years. I don't know what brought on the desire to know what it is that drives me to do the things that I do. All I am certain of is I am fairly uncertain about what those motivations are. I will try to hash out some of my thoughts over the next several weeks. I hope that if anyone has some insights that you express them via commenting. What drives you/me to do the things we do?

Already 2007?!?

Another year has come and gone. My boys are a year closer to being on their own. I've been married another year. Life just won't stop! Jane! Stop this crazy thing! Well I will try to do better with my blogging this coming year. I have really slacked off. I haven't been reading as much lately. Been watching a lot of movies though. I have Blockbuster's online movie service, I recently subscribed to HBO, plus what has been playing on regular TV for the holidays. LOTS of movies! I guess I should do something like my friend, Gotthammer, and do some kind of movie review, list, etc. I don't know, I'll have to think about that some.
Well, while I was perusing other blogs, I came across this quote and thought it was a good one for the new year:
Always dream and shoot higher than you know you can do. Don't bother just to be better than your contemporaries or predecessors. Try to be better than yourself.
-William Faulkner

Has it been that long?

I can't believe it has been since the beginning of November that I last posted! I have to blame the holidays, work, not working, stress from not working, etc. Anyhoo, I have been reading one book as often as I have had time, The Heart of Christianity by Marcus Borg. I have really enjoyed it. It is a book that was recommended by Barbara Brown Taylor at the end of her memoir, Leaving Church.
After all this time, I really don't have a great deal to say but I did see something pretty funny that I would like to share it with you. This is a clip of one of my favorite comedians, Jim Gaffigan (its a windows media file).
Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!